My Weight Loss Journey: The Start

I wasn’t sure I wanted to write about this, mainly because I didn’t think it would be anything interesting.

I’ve always been a chubby girl, all my life. But there were some times when I would put on more weight than normal and I would always start a diet or start working out. I can lose weight easily (although I know I have more to lose, so those first weeks I lose weight faster). This time, is the worst that I’ve ever been, and it was affecting me more than anytime before. I could feel it conditioning me physically, I knew it was affecting me psychologically and last week I decided it was time to stop.

I definitely have a “toxic” relationship with food. I eat my feelings, I stress eat. My body can feel hungry just after I ate, it’s really strange. I know I probably should discuss this with a psychologist and, one day, I’d love to. But for now, I feel strong and hopeful enough to try and get better “on my own”.

Last Saturday I went to a consultation with a good nutritionist, I got weighted, measured and I got myself a very personalized diet plan. It has 3 steps, this first step is very strict but I have all the vitamins that I need taken care of, everything is controlled and safe.

That same day I started my diet. I cut all the things I couldn’t eat and went on with my life. It has been 3 days since I’ve started and it feels like weeks. For some reason, it is being so hard this time… I’ve been through many diets, some harder, some easier, some worked, some didn’t. The diet I’m doing isn’t bad, at all, but for some reason, I feel like I’m in a rollercoaster of emotions, for no reason!

Sunday, I felt really bored. I was surrounded by people I hadn’t seen in a while, in a beautiful place, with a pool. And I couldn’t be bothered! I was so bored! Didn’t feel like doing anything besides sitting and rolling my eyes. Of course, I pulled through because I couldn’t ruin the day for everyone else, but if I had given in to my feelings at that time, I would’ve curled up in a ball, in the car, and stayed there.

Yesterday, I was mad. I was so irritated! No one could say anything to me, I felt so pressed… I spoke as little as I could, every little thing that didn’t work perfectly made me crazy like if I opened my closet door and something fell off, I would rage. I think my mood got better by the end of the day, but still, I felt the need to isolate myself yesterday because I knew I wasn’t okay and I didn’t want to offend or piss off anyone with my mood.

Today, Tuesday, is being interesting. It’s 10 a.m. and I already cried because someone drank out of my water bottle. Yes. Let that sink in. At the moment I’m normal and feeling very stupid, but about an hour ago I was sobbing because someone took my water bottle from the fridge at night and drank from it. I now know this is ridiculous, but I felt alone, in the sense that no one here understood what I am going through and that no one is taking the fact that I’m going through something hard in consideration.

I know I have to do this for myself, and I know I can do it, I can pull myself from my mood swings and I’ll be fine, but when I’m down my brain goes straight to “no one understands me, no one supports me”. And yes, it’s not easy going around the house, seeing the sodas, the sweets, the cookies, the alcohol, but it’s not fair that others have to change their habits because of me.

Next Saturday I’m going back to the nutritionist and we’re going to see what progress I’ve done in a week. I’m really excited, I’ve been following my diet perfectly, I’m taking my vitamins so all should go well. I’ll keep you posted.